ABOUT
I'm M*Sak: Friendly Neighborhood Pseudo-Drop-Out. My hometown is Blo/No, IL, and here I plan to stay until I can figure out a way to get the big, big money.
ARCHIVES
BUDS
Megan - graduate / lit-nerd
Kiri - superfluous angst / subtle diatribe
Tim - politics / life experience (!)
Renata - published author / high school musical(?!)
Kellie - playwright / ye olde wisdom
Talia - japonica / clone material
PROCRASTURBATE
"I don't know what you did or didn't do, but if you did them both..."
Perez
Go Fug Yourself
Create A South Park Character
Dinosaur Comics
Dr. McNinja
MY SPACEPLACEFACE BOOK
Myspace Page
GREEN COUNTY
This is a film I'm working on with my bud, Dan. If you're interested in being involved, please e-mail me.
NEWS:
Green County Official Facebook Group is online and awaiting the membership of actors, techies, and groupies!
COOL APPS
Get Firefox! (Please?) - hassle-free and app-friendly
Google Earth - high-res images of cities all over the world; monitor everything from world conflicts to seismic activity in real time!
Sage - an amazingly easy-to-use and reliable feed-reader for Firefox
Clipmarks - highlight, save, and document quotes from websites instantly
Facebook toolbar - Firefox toolbar for Facebook, for the addicts among us!
CONTACT
e.mail: just4playplay@gmail.com
phone: (XXX) 825-0352
FEED
XML H'OMGZ
STATS
CREDITS
This website and its written content are © M*Sak 2006-2007.
I'm M*Sak: Friendly Neighborhood Pseudo-Drop-Out. My hometown is Blo/No, IL, and here I plan to stay until I can figure out a way to get the big, big money.
ARCHIVES
- 07/2006
- 08/2006
- 09/2006
- 10/2006
- 11/2006
- 12/2006
- 01/2007
- 02/2007
- 03/2007
- 04/2007
- 05/2007
- 06/2007
- 07/2007
- 08/2007
- 09/2007
BUDS
Megan - graduate / lit-nerd
Kiri - superfluous angst / subtle diatribe
Tim - politics / life experience (!)
Renata - published author / high school musical(?!)
Kellie - playwright / ye olde wisdom
Talia - japonica / clone material
PROCRASTURBATE
"I don't know what you did or didn't do, but if you did them both..."
Perez
Go Fug Yourself
Create A South Park Character
Dinosaur Comics
Dr. McNinja
MY SPACEPLACEFACE BOOK
Myspace Page
GREEN COUNTY
This is a film I'm working on with my bud, Dan. If you're interested in being involved, please e-mail me.
NEWS:
Green County Official Facebook Group is online and awaiting the membership of actors, techies, and groupies!
COOL APPS
Get Firefox! (Please?) - hassle-free and app-friendly
Google Earth - high-res images of cities all over the world; monitor everything from world conflicts to seismic activity in real time!
Sage - an amazingly easy-to-use and reliable feed-reader for Firefox
Clipmarks - highlight, save, and document quotes from websites instantly
Facebook toolbar - Firefox toolbar for Facebook, for the addicts among us!
CONTACT
e.mail: just4playplay@gmail.com
phone: (XXX) 825-0352
FEED
XML H'OMGZ
STATS
CREDITS
This website and its written content are © M*Sak 2006-2007.
Still on this not-so-very happy streak of break. Last night turned out to be all right... I went bowling with Chrissy, Chad, Amanda, her sister Liz, L.B., and Pickle Dickle. Vitalik showed up later at Chrissy's bidding (I assume). L.B. did a few stupid things, like running up the alley and plonking the ball down two feet in front of the pins, but I assume that had something to do with the moderate amount of likkah he had boiling through his veins.
After that, we all went back to Chad's to chill for a little while, and then Chrissy drove me home and went to Vitalik's place to spend the night. I'll be going to my cousin's hockey game with them both tonight. I had sort of wanted to just go with Chrissy since this is probably the last time I'll get to spend any significant of time with her until Christmas break (not that it's so long away), and it's inconvenient since I only have two free tickets... but, whatever. I'm sure it'll be fine. It'll be better than going alone, which is what I initially planned on doing when no one seemed that excited about seeing a hockey game.
I got to see TJ for a little while today before he had to head to the rink. My dad picked him up where the bus came in, fed him some carbs and some sort of sport drink, chatted with him for a bit about his team, and then T had to go.
Anyway, I'm being asked (ever so nicely) to set the table. Bodacious TaTas.
After that, we all went back to Chad's to chill for a little while, and then Chrissy drove me home and went to Vitalik's place to spend the night. I'll be going to my cousin's hockey game with them both tonight. I had sort of wanted to just go with Chrissy since this is probably the last time I'll get to spend any significant of time with her until Christmas break (not that it's so long away), and it's inconvenient since I only have two free tickets... but, whatever. I'm sure it'll be fine. It'll be better than going alone, which is what I initially planned on doing when no one seemed that excited about seeing a hockey game.
I got to see TJ for a little while today before he had to head to the rink. My dad picked him up where the bus came in, fed him some carbs and some sort of sport drink, chatted with him for a bit about his team, and then T had to go.
Anyway, I'm being asked (ever so nicely) to set the table. Bodacious TaTas.
Pulled down the last post after "The Roommate" ripped me a new one (for good reason). Other than that, not much has happened today.
Spent yesterday with Chrissy's family for Thanksgiving. That was pretty nice. Chad and Karen (Chrissy's Mom) got along very well, which made it that much better. The only downer of the whole day is that Chrissy and Vtalik got in a fight as to whether he would in fact be showing up for her family's thang, which he ended up not doing.
I'm supposed to go bowling with Chad, Amanda, Michael, and Chrissy at some point today, but I have a feeling in my gut that it's not going to go down. Chrissy told me yesterday that in order to smooth things out appropriately with Vtalik, she should be spending more time with him, so I have a feeling I'm getting stiffed tonight. Maybe it's just a feeling, though.
Got a big lecture from my dad this week (one of those ambush things wherein the father takes his offspring out to dinner, so there is no escape from the onslaught of criticism). Apparently, "things need to change" when I'm home from now on, as in, I can't treat the place "like a hotel". I can understand my dad's frustration; he's married to a slob, and as soon as that slob goes away for a week, another one moves in to maintain the mess. In my defense, I only use four rooms in that entire house. He was a little less tactful than he could have been, though, so of course I ended up in tears, screaming at him in the restaurant about how he never has anything nice to say to me anymore and just thinks I'm a big lazy fuck-up, et cetera, et cetera. Sigh.
Of course, I don't think he thinks that's true, even though it pretty much is true for this semester, at least.
I need to quit smoking... anything. I need a job and some money this winter, and I need to get my grades up next semester. This fucking sucks.
Spent yesterday with Chrissy's family for Thanksgiving. That was pretty nice. Chad and Karen (Chrissy's Mom) got along very well, which made it that much better. The only downer of the whole day is that Chrissy and Vtalik got in a fight as to whether he would in fact be showing up for her family's thang, which he ended up not doing.
I'm supposed to go bowling with Chad, Amanda, Michael, and Chrissy at some point today, but I have a feeling in my gut that it's not going to go down. Chrissy told me yesterday that in order to smooth things out appropriately with Vtalik, she should be spending more time with him, so I have a feeling I'm getting stiffed tonight. Maybe it's just a feeling, though.
Got a big lecture from my dad this week (one of those ambush things wherein the father takes his offspring out to dinner, so there is no escape from the onslaught of criticism). Apparently, "things need to change" when I'm home from now on, as in, I can't treat the place "like a hotel". I can understand my dad's frustration; he's married to a slob, and as soon as that slob goes away for a week, another one moves in to maintain the mess. In my defense, I only use four rooms in that entire house. He was a little less tactful than he could have been, though, so of course I ended up in tears, screaming at him in the restaurant about how he never has anything nice to say to me anymore and just thinks I'm a big lazy fuck-up, et cetera, et cetera. Sigh.
Of course, I don't think he thinks that's true, even though it pretty much is true for this semester, at least.
I need to quit smoking... anything. I need a job and some money this winter, and I need to get my grades up next semester. This fucking sucks.
Did a little cheap modification on the blog template today in honor of a very good film. The week hasn't been very eventful, but next week will be. On Monday, I found out that Ellen is coming to visit me this weekend! I also hung out with New Guy #2 -- played a board game and watched the Empire Strikes Back (also known as The Only Star Wars Movie Worth Seeing). A decent fellow he is, but I hope he's not sizing me up as potential girlfriend material. I've had enough romance issues in 2006 to keep me quite happily single until 2016. By then, I'll be thirty, and possibly mature enough to have a somewhat healthy relationship that isn't completely one-sided?? We'll see. I'm in such a pessimistic frame of mind right now that not even back-to-back episodes of Sex in the City could cheer me up.
Keep seeing New Guy #1 around campus -- my initial pseudo interest is turning to the sort of disgust usually only felt by me whilst watching a treasured friend violently puking bile into their own hair. The man has managed to give me the impression that he is materialistic, arrogant, and self-absorbed. Reminds me too much of *cough* someone else.
Time for bed, guys.
P.S. I'm an excellent kisser.
Keep seeing New Guy #1 around campus -- my initial pseudo interest is turning to the sort of disgust usually only felt by me whilst watching a treasured friend violently puking bile into their own hair. The man has managed to give me the impression that he is materialistic, arrogant, and self-absorbed. Reminds me too much of *cough* someone else.
Time for bed, guys.
P.S. I'm an excellent kisser.
Feeling a little blue lately (and not the good kind of blue that the senate is currently feeling, thank god). I have made some headway in at least one class, catching up. Today, I need to work my figurative balls off and create some bullshit for creative writing class, in which I am abominably behind.
Last week was a bit of a blur. I've been a bit of a date whore lately... I even double-booked one night! It seems the only people I've met in my classes who want to spend any time with me are young men who want to take me out to drink coffee or play pool or watch a movie. Nothing wrong with that, I suppose. I feel bad for all of them, though, if they think they're getting anywhere with me. I might as well wear a sandwich sign around my neck that says, "Emotionally Unavailable!" on the front and "Ask me about my Friends-With-Benefits option!" on the back. Of course, I'm lonely and horny, as most 20-year-old ladies are... but I'm also completely done with romance for a little while, at least. I'm quite sure I've built up a temporary immunity to it, derived from months of expecting it and being starved of it.
I'm trying to raise my standards without being too horrible a person. New Guy #1 is the pseudo-wealthy enterprizing son of a couple of criminal investigators. He has his own used cell phone business and pulls in about $200 a week doing practically nothing. He wears designer clothing, and has recently lost 50 pounds over a period of several months. To give you more ideas about his personality, I know all of that about him, and he knows next to nothing about me -- and every time I do happen to mention something about myself, he replies with something along the lines of, "Oh, you're that kind of girl, huh?". He seems to love to listen to himself talk about... himself. New Guy #2 is a shy, pudgy 26-year-old working on his second bachelor's degree. He lives with his younger brother and another roommate in a small apartment just south of Budget Liquor. He's very much into Japanese culture. He's very easy to talk to, and he has a quaint, harmless sense of humor. Not sure if I have any desire whatsoever to jump his bones, though. New Guy #3... Well, I wish that dude would just fuck off, but I don't really want to get into that.
Zhora called me at four in the morning yesterday. He was very drunk, headed back from a strip club with one of the cooks from his work. He was driving down Main Street and was concerned that he was going to get pulled over since he couldn't keep his car going without swerving continuously. I was concerned he was going to roll that damn Beamer, killing himself and his passenger. I got out of bed, got dressed, armed myself with my license and headed downstairs. This is the first time Zhora had called me in over a week, and there I was, driving his belligerent ass home in that warhorse of a car he has that needs serious work on the tire alignment and the brakes.
Sigh. What can I say? I am weak.
Last week was a bit of a blur. I've been a bit of a date whore lately... I even double-booked one night! It seems the only people I've met in my classes who want to spend any time with me are young men who want to take me out to drink coffee or play pool or watch a movie. Nothing wrong with that, I suppose. I feel bad for all of them, though, if they think they're getting anywhere with me. I might as well wear a sandwich sign around my neck that says, "Emotionally Unavailable!" on the front and "Ask me about my Friends-With-Benefits option!" on the back. Of course, I'm lonely and horny, as most 20-year-old ladies are... but I'm also completely done with romance for a little while, at least. I'm quite sure I've built up a temporary immunity to it, derived from months of expecting it and being starved of it.
I'm trying to raise my standards without being too horrible a person. New Guy #1 is the pseudo-wealthy enterprizing son of a couple of criminal investigators. He has his own used cell phone business and pulls in about $200 a week doing practically nothing. He wears designer clothing, and has recently lost 50 pounds over a period of several months. To give you more ideas about his personality, I know all of that about him, and he knows next to nothing about me -- and every time I do happen to mention something about myself, he replies with something along the lines of, "Oh, you're that kind of girl, huh?". He seems to love to listen to himself talk about... himself. New Guy #2 is a shy, pudgy 26-year-old working on his second bachelor's degree. He lives with his younger brother and another roommate in a small apartment just south of Budget Liquor. He's very much into Japanese culture. He's very easy to talk to, and he has a quaint, harmless sense of humor. Not sure if I have any desire whatsoever to jump his bones, though. New Guy #3... Well, I wish that dude would just fuck off, but I don't really want to get into that.
Zhora called me at four in the morning yesterday. He was very drunk, headed back from a strip club with one of the cooks from his work. He was driving down Main Street and was concerned that he was going to get pulled over since he couldn't keep his car going without swerving continuously. I was concerned he was going to roll that damn Beamer, killing himself and his passenger. I got out of bed, got dressed, armed myself with my license and headed downstairs. This is the first time Zhora had called me in over a week, and there I was, driving his belligerent ass home in that warhorse of a car he has that needs serious work on the tire alignment and the brakes.
Sigh. What can I say? I am weak.
Labels: classes, dating, elections, Zhora
Honestly, I haven't been doing that well lately, but I've been this down before (a lot further down too, actually), so it's no big.
I'm assuming that since I'm interested in knowing the romantic dirt going on in my friends' lives that someone might be interested enough to be curious about mine:
The Zhora thing is done and over with. I confronted him a few days ago and told him that I did not want to be continually used for sex with little disclosure or commitment involved. He told me that he thinks we should 'just be friends', and also that he only continued sleeping with me for so long because he thought he owed me... for being a decent person, I suppose?
So, yeah. That's that. I must admit, I've called him a couple times since then. When he picks up, we chat for a bit and he tells me he'll call me later. And then he doesn't call me later. I called him tonight and left a pretty pissed off message. I'm getting a little tired of his drama; if he wants to be my friend, that's cool, because despite the fact that all of my friends hate his guts, and despite the fact that I gave my hetero virginity to this douchebag just because he thought he 'owed' me, I actually enjoy conversation with him. But I don't want to feel like some creepy stalkerish spurned lover, calling him and never getting an answer. If he lied about genuinely wanting to be my friend, then he should come clean. I admit that I'm the kind of person who needs decent closure to things -- I like talking problems out, getting things off my chest when I feel I need to. But I'm willing to forego that under the assumption that it doesn't really matter what I think of this entire situation at this point because it's over and done with and neither of us want to be with the other anyway. He actually said that he could only ever consider getting into a bonafide relationship with a Russian girl -- and I could never date anyone so close-minded. Period.
If he just never wants to talk to me again, it'll hurt, but I've learned to expect the worst when it comes to Zhora, so I'll find some way to deal with it. He doesn't love me, as a friend or otherwise -- why should he? He's only known me for a little while. If I've learned anyting about relationships, it's that it's easy to hurt people you don't care that much about.
The point is that I have friends who do love me -- a surprisingly high number, actually -- and I gave him the benefit of the doubt for a long time, let him toy with me, and neglected some of my other friends just to spend time with him when he had very few people to talk to.
I'm just very tired of this nonsense, and I'm sure everyone who knows me is too. My entire perception of myself keeps changing for the worst; all of the unhappiness I'm experiencing right now is a result, directly or indirectly, of my relationship with him. I remember that I felt so happy and assured for the first time in so long this summer -- before I met him. Ever since I met him, I've just been feeling worse and worse about myself in general. A few of my friends are in relationships that are at least moderately one-sided, and I feel so guilty being able to see that and not accept my own situation fully. I gave up the milk for free -- practically advertised; I pretty much deserve what I got.
I'm tired of thinking about him and fretting about this. I know that he isn't worth the fuss. He's cute and I enjoy some of the time we spent together, but that isn't enough. I've been too trusting and too forgiving; I've shared elements of myself that I can't get back from this person, and he's given me nothing in return. Because I got, to put it bluntly, a little retarded this summer.
It just pisses me off! I could have spent all this time looking for someone else to be with... or no one else to be with. I just could have been spending my time better period. Sitting at home all day in the dark watching Law & Order re-runs would have been far more productive than wasting my time with this guy. Why why why am I such an idiot?
I wish guys would just say stuff to my face; I wish I could read their shallow analytical minds so I could just not bother with the ones who think they deserve more than me. I just need to avoid every person in the world who thinks I'm too ugly, too boring, too clingy, too needy, too stupid, and not goddamn RUSSIAN enough to be with.
Or I just need to go back to women exclusively. That could work too.
I've just been trying so hard to be balanced and fair about this thing. At this point, I know the right thing to do is to forget he exists for now. If he's not man enough to call me and get the earful he deserves, then he needs to go fuck himself. I need to keep myself busy with Teryn and Chad and Amanda and Michael and Lunch Box, at least until Thanksgiving break.
Man, this sucks. I just want to be happy and in love. I know I can't be all the time, but it would be really nice right now, specifically.
I'm assuming that since I'm interested in knowing the romantic dirt going on in my friends' lives that someone might be interested enough to be curious about mine:
The Zhora thing is done and over with. I confronted him a few days ago and told him that I did not want to be continually used for sex with little disclosure or commitment involved. He told me that he thinks we should 'just be friends', and also that he only continued sleeping with me for so long because he thought he owed me... for being a decent person, I suppose?
So, yeah. That's that. I must admit, I've called him a couple times since then. When he picks up, we chat for a bit and he tells me he'll call me later. And then he doesn't call me later. I called him tonight and left a pretty pissed off message. I'm getting a little tired of his drama; if he wants to be my friend, that's cool, because despite the fact that all of my friends hate his guts, and despite the fact that I gave my hetero virginity to this douchebag just because he thought he 'owed' me, I actually enjoy conversation with him. But I don't want to feel like some creepy stalkerish spurned lover, calling him and never getting an answer. If he lied about genuinely wanting to be my friend, then he should come clean. I admit that I'm the kind of person who needs decent closure to things -- I like talking problems out, getting things off my chest when I feel I need to. But I'm willing to forego that under the assumption that it doesn't really matter what I think of this entire situation at this point because it's over and done with and neither of us want to be with the other anyway. He actually said that he could only ever consider getting into a bonafide relationship with a Russian girl -- and I could never date anyone so close-minded. Period.
If he just never wants to talk to me again, it'll hurt, but I've learned to expect the worst when it comes to Zhora, so I'll find some way to deal with it. He doesn't love me, as a friend or otherwise -- why should he? He's only known me for a little while. If I've learned anyting about relationships, it's that it's easy to hurt people you don't care that much about.
The point is that I have friends who do love me -- a surprisingly high number, actually -- and I gave him the benefit of the doubt for a long time, let him toy with me, and neglected some of my other friends just to spend time with him when he had very few people to talk to.
I'm just very tired of this nonsense, and I'm sure everyone who knows me is too. My entire perception of myself keeps changing for the worst; all of the unhappiness I'm experiencing right now is a result, directly or indirectly, of my relationship with him. I remember that I felt so happy and assured for the first time in so long this summer -- before I met him. Ever since I met him, I've just been feeling worse and worse about myself in general. A few of my friends are in relationships that are at least moderately one-sided, and I feel so guilty being able to see that and not accept my own situation fully. I gave up the milk for free -- practically advertised; I pretty much deserve what I got.
I'm tired of thinking about him and fretting about this. I know that he isn't worth the fuss. He's cute and I enjoy some of the time we spent together, but that isn't enough. I've been too trusting and too forgiving; I've shared elements of myself that I can't get back from this person, and he's given me nothing in return. Because I got, to put it bluntly, a little retarded this summer.
It just pisses me off! I could have spent all this time looking for someone else to be with... or no one else to be with. I just could have been spending my time better period. Sitting at home all day in the dark watching Law & Order re-runs would have been far more productive than wasting my time with this guy. Why why why am I such an idiot?
I wish guys would just say stuff to my face; I wish I could read their shallow analytical minds so I could just not bother with the ones who think they deserve more than me. I just need to avoid every person in the world who thinks I'm too ugly, too boring, too clingy, too needy, too stupid, and not goddamn RUSSIAN enough to be with.
Or I just need to go back to women exclusively. That could work too.
I've just been trying so hard to be balanced and fair about this thing. At this point, I know the right thing to do is to forget he exists for now. If he's not man enough to call me and get the earful he deserves, then he needs to go fuck himself. I need to keep myself busy with Teryn and Chad and Amanda and Michael and Lunch Box, at least until Thanksgiving break.
Man, this sucks. I just want to be happy and in love. I know I can't be all the time, but it would be really nice right now, specifically.