too real 4 u :: blue-roof :: summer 2007
Saturate Point 

Listening to: "From a Logical Point of View" - Robert Mitchum


To Applicable Deity:

About my ideal man...

He doesn't have to be bright, as long as he's good natured and open-minded; a big man -- tall and strong with a good layer of supple meat on him, one who won't refuse a third helping when I offer to cook (unless I burn the shit). He can have his own opinions on everything under the sun, but he must be at least mildly sympathetic toward the philosophies that are fundamental to my being. A decent-paying labor job for him would be ideal. I'd want him to be naturally altruistic -- the neighborhood handyman who will replace a pipe or five for the promise of a tall, cold one. I'd like someone who will tell me that my intellectual curiosity and inquisitive nature blow his mind. A thick, Northern Ontario accent would be lovely, but not entirely necessary. I'd want a man who will buy me a simple, second-hand sun-dress instead of a $50 gift certificate to a department store for my birthday; a man who wants a large family and will be willing to give absolute support to my career goals. I'm a realist, though -- I would be amenable to being a stay-at-home mom for three or four years. He'd have to have an instinctive taste for the voluptuous and adore my body.

It's not that I think I deserve all of this, and I understand that all of these specific traits may not be embodied by any single man on earth. I've figured out exactly what I want, and I just thought you should get a heads' up.

Thanks,
-M

P.S. He has to be willing to go muff diving on a regular basis!

P.P.S. Coming Soon: About my ideal woman...


The Sweet & Sour Reek of Pseudo-Academia 

Listening to: "I'm Afraid of Japan" - Final Fantasy


Facebook People: Apologies about this note; it's long and pretty boring -- my notes are imported into Facebook from Blogger, but the only people who can see them are those tagged in the note (and I don't tag people who aren't mentioned); I'm not a fan of inundating people's home pages with boring shit, usually.

Well, I'm back at school. So far, I'm doing a sterling job of keeping up, but that isn't saying much, as I've been here less than a week. I've met some professors who seem to promise topical engagement, but a couple (math, american lit) who seem to have procured a monotonous drone after decades of teaching apparently mostly apathetic students. We'll see how they go. I've already done most of the reading due Monday for American Lit, and I'm not very optimistic about the anthology we're using as our main 'textbook' -- the introduction is vague and useless. I think it's good to be given more questions than answers with an introduction, especially one that focuses on survey cultural and political shifts within the time period of literature we're studying, but goddamn... There are three paragraphs devoted to "African Americans" versus four focusing solely on the automobile as a shift in the direction of 'serious' writing toward 'migrant' modes of thought. Hmm. Cars, Harlem Renaissance; cars, Harlem Renaissance -- their choice of focus is a bit odd and disconcerting. There's a lot about modernist theory in the introduction, but I'm struggling with some aspects of the explanation already; I hope the professor is not disenchanted enough to refuse to listen to a string of questions on Monday - after class, of course.

I feel bad about taking up professors' extra time; I know from having one as a father that it can be a bit annoying to be held up with high-strung undergrads on non-class time when there are graduate students and research proposals to be focusing on (not to say that my dad doesn't enjoy engaging the undergrads in his field). Anyway -- I feel worse taking up 300 students' time with subject matter that they're probably not interested in. I suppose it would be different if my classes had fewer students, or if I was in a more competitive program at a more competitive university -- but I'm at peace with the collective attitude of the ISU student-body, and that attitude involves taking up class-time with material that we're going to be tested on, not asking questions and expecting answers that expand on it.

I'm actually not too bummed about math. I found out today that Phil is in that class with me, and that's a comfort, even though I can't sit with him (there's a seating plan for attendance purposes). It'll be good to have someone to study with when the material becomes more challenging. As Chrissy said, it's easier for two people to know 100 percent of any applicable material between them than it is for one to immediately grasp it all. Plus, Phil is a generally agreeable person to be around, of course.

I'm excited about my criminal justice and philosophy classes for politically selfish reasons -- I enjoy the challenge of being taught classes that involve analytical thought about contemporary issues by teachers who are not aligned politically with me, but I still tend to be grateful when that's not the case. My philosophy teacher read us an essay today comparing Hitler's early career to George W.'s. It's always entertaining to be able to look back from the front row and immediately see the political distribution of students based solely on their facial expressions. I'm actually not really certain about my criminal justice teacher's political orientation, but she is, from what I can tell up to this point, a lovely feminist. Her focus within criminology is on forced prostitution in the United States, but right now she's doing a study on women in the Normal police force.

My semantics professor is going to make that class a lot less boring than I initially thought it might be, albeit a lot more challenging than I thought it would be, too. He teaches from an Orwellian perspective, and his focus so far is on how governments use language to suggest certain underlying and ingrained social meanings. Coolness!

I'm very optimistic about this semester. We'll see if I (and my professors and peers) can sustain my intellectual passion, though. The support I've gotten from my friends (Chrissy, Teryn, Paige and in an extremely large way her dad) has been extremely encouraging -- I no longer doubt that it's highly possible for me to do very well academically.

In other news, nothing romantic is on the horizon for the M-Sak. It's nothing that I'm concerned about from day-to-day, but I've decided that my New Year's Resolution to stay single for a year was more of a gut call than something that was rationally thought out as a means of self-improvement. I discussed it with Chrissy, and she suggested that putting a time-limit on it was potentially destructive -- I could miss a good opportunity this year, or I could feel more pressure once it's over to find someone to be with before I'm absolutely ready to. I'm not necessarily looking for a rebound, but at the same time I don't think it would hurt to get a failed, frustratingly prolonged yet non-committal and bitter fling out of my system. We'll see what happens in 2007.

Peace.

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Bow To Your Sensei 

Listening to: my sister baking cookies with Anne

So, I discovered something about myself last night that I never knew before: I am a stain-removal guru. After various treatments and about six or seven times through the wash, I managed to remove a three-month-old tea stain from one of Chrissy's shirts. The color of the shirt is intact, the shape is intact, the stain is simply gone. Why? Because I am the master, that's why.

Things have been looking up for the past little while. Dad bought my textbooks for me this semester since I can't afford them; I plan to pay him back for them this summer along with the $1500 I already owe him, even though he doesn't expect any money back for the books. I really want to show my family that I'm a capable, if not perfect, person. I'm tired of everyone being disappointed with me, and I'm tired of being disappointed in myself. I'm going to do much better in my classes this semester, at the very least.


The Epicurean Narcissist 

Doomsday has come and gone, and for that, I'm grateful. My dad finally snapped after weeks of the silent treatment, and had me come in to the office so he could list off all the things he's pissed at me for:

1) My grades from last semester
2) The fact that I owe my brother money
3) The fact that I don't do housework
4) My lifestyle in general

Dad says that the only reason I got bad grades last semester was that I felt like sleeping in and partying all the time. For the past six months, I have been completely self-indulgent and self-centered. I'm so irresponsible that I'm about as capable as a three-year-old of taking care of myself in the "real world".

Dad says that if I stay at home next summer, I have a curfew of 10pm every night. Also, I'm going to have to get a third job to repay him $1500 -- the price of one failed class, and one I dropped early in the semester and failed to replace. He doesn't want me to come home for Spring Break.

I don't actually owe my brother any money -- he said not having to pay him back could be my birthday present this year, so that's what it was. The housework thing -- well, there's no way to refute that. I don't do housework, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I dirty an average of one dish a day, and only use two rooms in the entire house (my own and the bathroom, and the latter is fucking spotless).

All in all, I feel pretty ripped off. I had such a shitty semester, and it's true that it was completely my fault, but I certainly wasn't partying much. I leaned pretty hard on some of my friends this semester, but who else could I go to? My dad just gets angry when I go to him when I'm having problems, or when I'm feeling shitty. My dad's assertion, though, is that I have no real friends -- just people to do drugs with.

I don't even know why I'm really so upset or disappointed by this. I've known for years that I couldn't possibly keep the Golden Child thing up into adulthood. My dad's right -- when it comes right down to it, I'm a lazy pleasure-seeker, and that's all there is to it.

Of course, my screw-ups warrant some pretty heavy consequences. At the same time, I can't help but to feel completely disappointed. I thought my dad knew that the only person I even care about impressing is him -- abject terror of disappointing him is what got me through high school, pretty much.

I feel like such a goddamn idiot. My dad used to think I was awesome, and now he doesn't even think I'm a competent person anymore, let alone a decent one. I'm so dumb -- I brag about him all the time, how much of a hard worker he is, how level-headed and chill he is. It's embarrassing to find out that for the past six months he's been bitching to our entire family about what a lazy, self-centered, slut I've suddenly become. If I didn't think it would be utterly pathetic to die after a downward spiral (I'd prefer to die after I accomplish at least something worthwhile), I'd probably be in a pretty bad place right now.

I guess all I can do at this point is try hard to make my dad proud of me again and not mess up so bad.


I'm Your Huckleberry. 

Listening to: "Diamond in the Dark" - Mystery Jets

I spent New Year's Eve with Chrissy at Neil's (Neil is one of Michael's friends). The evening was pleasant enough, and I didn't wake up feeling ill. No New Year's kisses for me, but that's all right.

Today is Alyssa's last day in town, I think. The plan is for Chrissy, her, and I to enjoy a dinner at the Coffeehouse tonight. I don't have any money, though, and I always feel slightly intrusive when I'm chilling with Alyssa and Chrissy. I may stay home. I should probably work today. I'm not sure if I will. But I should.

I found a weird yet utterly kick-ass cover of one of my favorite Paul Simon songs the other day. Dan Rossen of Grizzly Bear covered "Graceland"; the cover has this creepy, nostalgic feeling to it that's perfect for the M*Sak. I grew up jamming to that entire album; it came out the year I was born, I'm pretty sure. I'm not sure if it's my favorite Paul Simon solo album, but it's definitely up there.

I've got an appointment with my psychiatrist on the fourth. I'm not sure why; I didn't make it, and I just refilled my prescription.

I'm still getting the silent treatment from my dad -- not exactly sure what for, but I'm assuming it's a bunch of stuff.

There are some New Year's resolutions that I've made, but they're all pretty benign:

1. Stay single (easy)
2. Pull my GPA back up to a 3.5 (harder)
3. Save a bunch of money (hardest)

I assume I'll still be gradutating in 2008 -- I'm going to take some summer classes to make things a bit easier on myself. I have yet to save up a penny for post-post-secondary living. I know my family will be going on sabbatical in 2008 very soon after I graduate, meaning the house will be empty, and I'll probably be able to live here by myself if I pay my parents a bit of rent... but I don't really want to stay in Normal. I want to be in Chicago, I'm pretty sure. Not sure where or how I'm going to live, but that's the tentative plan.

Of immediate financial concern -- I need textbooks, and I have bills to pay... I don't really have enough money to pay for any of it.