So, I discovered something about myself last night that I never knew before: I am a stain-removal
. After various treatments and about six or seven times through the wash, I managed to remove a three-month-old tea stain from one of Chrissy's shirts. The color of the shirt is intact, the shape is intact, the stain is simply
. Why? Because I am the master, that's why.
Things have been looking up for the past little while. Dad bought my textbooks for me this semester since I can't afford them; I plan to pay him back for them this summer along with the $1500 I already owe him, even though he doesn't expect any money back for the books. I really want to show my family that I'm a capable, if not perfect, person. I'm tired of everyone being disappointed with me, and I'm tired of being disappointed in myself. I'm going to do much better in my classes this semester, at the very least.
Doomsday has come and gone, and for that, I'm grateful. My dad finally snapped after weeks of the silent treatment, and had me come in to the office so he could list off all the things he's pissed at me for:
1) My grades from last semester
2) The fact that I owe my brother money
3) The fact that I don't do housework
4) My lifestyle in general
Dad says that the only reason I got bad grades last semester was that I felt like sleeping in and partying all the time. For the past six months, I have been completely self-indulgent and self-centered. I'm so irresponsible that I'm about as capable as a three-year-old of taking care of myself in the "real world".
Dad says that if I stay at home next summer, I have a curfew of 10pm every night. Also, I'm going to have to get a third job to repay him $1500 -- the price of one failed class, and one I dropped early in the semester and failed to replace. He doesn't want me to come home for Spring Break.
I don't actually owe my brother any money -- he said not having to pay him back could be my birthday present this year, so that's what it was. The housework thing -- well, there's no way to refute that. I don't do housework, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I dirty an average of one dish a day, and only use two rooms in the entire house (my own and the bathroom, and the latter is fucking spotless).
All in all, I feel pretty ripped off. I had such a shitty semester, and it's true that it was completely my fault, but I certainly wasn't partying much. I leaned pretty hard on some of my friends this semester, but who else could I go to? My dad just gets angry when I go to him when I'm having problems, or when I'm feeling shitty. My dad's assertion, though, is that I have no real friends -- just people to do drugs with.
I don't even know why I'm really so upset or disappointed by this. I've known for years that I couldn't possibly keep the Golden Child thing up into adulthood. My dad's right -- when it comes right down to it, I'm a lazy pleasure-seeker, and that's all there is to it.
Of course, my screw-ups warrant some pretty heavy consequences. At the same time, I can't help but to feel completely disappointed. I thought my dad knew that the only person I even care about impressing is him -- abject terror of disappointing him is what got me through high school, pretty much.
I feel like such a goddamn idiot. My dad used to think I was awesome, and now he doesn't even think I'm a competent person anymore, let alone a decent one. I'm so dumb -- I brag about him all the time, how much of a hard worker he is, how level-headed and chill he is. It's embarrassing to find out that for the past six months he's been bitching to our entire family about what a lazy, self-centered, slut I've suddenly become. If I didn't think it would be utterly pathetic to die after a downward spiral (I'd prefer to die after I accomplish at least something worthwhile), I'd probably be in a pretty bad place right now.
I guess all I can do at this point is try hard to make my dad proud of me again and not mess up so bad.
[posted by m*dot @ 15:29 //
]
Listening to: "Diamond in the Dark" - Mystery Jets
I spent New Year's Eve with Chrissy at Neil's (Neil is one of Michael's friends). The evening was pleasant enough, and I didn't wake up feeling ill. No New Year's kisses for me, but that's all right.
Today is Alyssa's last day in town, I think. The plan is for Chrissy, her, and I to enjoy a dinner at the Coffeehouse tonight. I don't have any money, though, and I always feel slightly intrusive when I'm chilling with Alyssa and Chrissy. I may stay home. I should probably work today. I'm not sure if I will. But I should.
I found a weird yet utterly kick-ass cover of one of my favorite Paul Simon songs the other day. Dan Rossen of
Grizzly Bear covered "Graceland"; the cover has this creepy, nostalgic feeling to it that's perfect for the M*Sak. I grew up jamming to that entire album; it came out the year I was born, I'm pretty sure. I'm not sure if it's my favorite Paul Simon solo album, but it's definitely up there.
I've got an appointment with my psychiatrist on the fourth. I'm not sure why; I didn't make it, and I just refilled my prescription.
I'm still getting the silent treatment from my dad -- not exactly sure what for, but I'm assuming it's a bunch of stuff.
There are some New Year's resolutions that I've made, but they're all pretty benign:
1. Stay single (easy)
2. Pull my GPA back up to a 3.5 (harder)
3. Save a bunch of money (hardest)
I assume I'll still be gradutating in 2008 -- I'm going to take some summer classes to make things a bit easier on myself. I have yet to save up a penny for post-post-secondary living. I know my family will be going on sabbatical in 2008 very soon after I graduate, meaning the house will be empty, and I'll probably be able to live here by myself if I pay my parents a bit of rent... but I don't really want to stay in Normal. I want to be in Chicago, I'm pretty sure. Not sure where or how I'm going to live, but that's the tentative plan.
Of immediate financial concern -- I need textbooks, and I have bills to pay... I don't really have enough money to pay for any of it.
[posted by m*dot @ 12:03 //
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