Honestly, I haven't been doing that well lately, but I've been this down before (a lot further down too, actually), so it's no big.

I'm assuming that since I'm interested in knowing the romantic dirt going on in my friends' lives that someone might be interested enough to be curious about mine:

The Zhora thing is done and over with. I confronted him a few days ago and told him that I did not want to be continually used for sex with little disclosure or commitment involved. He told me that he thinks we should 'just be friends', and also that he only continued sleeping with me for so long because he thought he owed me... for being a decent person, I suppose?

So, yeah. That's that. I must admit, I've called him a couple times since then. When he picks up, we chat for a bit and he tells me he'll call me later. And then he doesn't call me later. I called him tonight and left a pretty pissed off message. I'm getting a little tired of his drama; if he wants to be my friend, that's cool, because despite the fact that all of my friends hate his guts, and despite the fact that I gave my hetero virginity to this douchebag just because he thought he 'owed' me, I actually enjoy conversation with him. But I don't want to feel like some creepy stalkerish spurned lover, calling him and never getting an answer. If he lied about genuinely wanting to be my friend, then he should come clean. I admit that I'm the kind of person who needs decent closure to things -- I like talking problems out, getting things off my chest when I feel I need to. But I'm willing to forego that under the assumption that it doesn't really matter what I think of this entire situation at this point because it's over and done with and neither of us want to be with the other anyway. He actually said that he could only ever consider getting into a bonafide relationship with a Russian girl -- and I could never date anyone so close-minded. Period.

If he just never wants to talk to me again, it'll hurt, but I've learned to expect the worst when it comes to Zhora, so I'll find some way to deal with it. He doesn't love me, as a friend or otherwise -- why should he? He's only known me for a little while. If I've learned anyting about relationships, it's that it's easy to hurt people you don't care that much about.

The point is that I have friends who do love me -- a surprisingly high number, actually -- and I gave him the benefit of the doubt for a long time, let him toy with me, and neglected some of my other friends just to spend time with him when he had very few people to talk to.

I'm just very tired of this nonsense, and I'm sure everyone who knows me is too. My entire perception of myself keeps changing for the worst; all of the unhappiness I'm experiencing right now is a result, directly or indirectly, of my relationship with him. I remember that I felt so happy and assured for the first time in so long this summer -- before I met him. Ever since I met him, I've just been feeling worse and worse about myself in general. A few of my friends are in relationships that are at least moderately one-sided, and I feel so guilty being able to see that and not accept my own situation fully. I gave up the milk for free -- practically advertised; I pretty much deserve what I got.

I'm tired of thinking about him and fretting about this. I know that he isn't worth the fuss. He's cute and I enjoy some of the time we spent together, but that isn't enough. I've been too trusting and too forgiving; I've shared elements of myself that I can't get back from this person, and he's given me nothing in return. Because I got, to put it bluntly, a little retarded this summer.

It just pisses me off! I could have spent all this time looking for someone else to be with... or no one else to be with. I just could have been spending my time better period. Sitting at home all day in the dark watching Law & Order re-runs would have been far more productive than wasting my time with this guy. Why why why am I such an idiot?

I wish guys would just say stuff to my face; I wish I could read their shallow analytical minds so I could just not bother with the ones who think they deserve more than me. I just need to avoid every person in the world who thinks I'm too ugly, too boring, too clingy, too needy, too stupid, and not goddamn RUSSIAN enough to be with.

Or I just need to go back to women exclusively. That could work too.

I've just been trying so hard to be balanced and fair about this thing. At this point, I know the right thing to do is to forget he exists for now. If he's not man enough to call me and get the earful he deserves, then he needs to go fuck himself. I need to keep myself busy with Teryn and Chad and Amanda and Michael and Lunch Box, at least until Thanksgiving break.

Man, this sucks. I just want to be happy and in love. I know I can't be all the time, but it would be really nice right now, specifically.

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