So, this weekend in Carbondale went pretty well, until Zhora and I left to come back here. Apparently, I was excited about it for nothing -- I thought that he was taking me to visit one of my friends out of the kindness of his heart and a desire to spend time with me. But, no. Apparently, Kiri reminds him of one of his ex-girlfriends who he "still has feelings for" -- and he just wanted to go down there to check her out.

Nice.

Of course, he has no idea that I have any romantic history with Kiri, so that just makes things even more awkward.

Honestly, I'm sad, but I'm not that disappointed or surprised, in retrospect. In relationships, I always tend to be the woman that people are with while they're waiting to find the woman (or man) they want. It's not that Zhora has any interest in Kiri herself per se (seeing as he's only met her twice), but the association is so powerful that he doesn't want to see her again -- it upsets him to look at her and remember his girlfriend from Latvia. How childish and stupid.

I haven't called him since he brought me home. I don't know if I'm waiting for him to call me... I don't know if he will. I don't even know if I want him to, really. I've noticed a slow decline into sadness and feelings of inadequacy since I met him. He's terrible for me and to me, pretty much. He "really likes" me, but I can tell that there's no potential for actual love. I don't know if he's capable of loving anyone right now -- he's so absorbed in his own problems and plans. He says he likes spending time with me because I'm smart, but obviously he still thinks I'm dumber than he is -- he likes trying to pull the wool over my eyes. He doesn't want me to know that he's ashamed to be seen with me. A little while ago, he told his friend, when asked, that he's no longer sleeping with me. That's a lie. Now I know why he makes me sleep by myself when he invites me over to spend the night with him and his roommate shows up.

I'm so exhausted with people in general in any romantic context. I just want to go over to Chad's, enjoy some recreation, and not have to worry about my weight or my skin or if I sound like a complete idiot to this strange foreign guy who honestly doesn't give two shits about me past the fact that I'm something to pass the time with when he's bored. Not even someone -- something. An activity apparently without human feelings and any amount of perception.

I'm left wondering why I've let this guy treat me like garbage for so long.

Labels: Chad, Kiri, Zhora

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