Starting to suspect that nobody genuinely likes me except for people who don't know me that well. Eff. It makes me not want to give a damn about anyone or anything; for the first time in a long while, I'm so tired of being viewed as an agitator of other people's problems. I need a zipper for my mouth, obviously. Already, this week, I've gotten two separate and pretty much equally serious complaints that I'm attempting to destroy my friends' romantic relationships. Apparently, when Marion gets somewhat rejected romantically, she just goes on a rampage to make everyone else unhappy. Better watch out!!

I guess I can be a pretty big meddler sometimes. I try not to be, but what am I supposed to do when someone says to me, "Marion, I don't know what's going on with So-and-So! What should I do?". My stock answer for the future, maybe, should be, "For the love of GOD, don't talk to me about it! I'll just distort the facts!!"

I just need to stop worrying, stop making things into a big deal, calm down, and absorb the many reassurances I'm getting right now that I am in fact not a terrible person with personal vengeance against my closest friends on my brain.

I have to admit: I'm not a utilitarian when it comes to my friendships. I wish I could uphold the Greatest Happiness Principle and all, but I can't be "as strictly impartial as a disinterested and benevolent spectator". Suck it, John Stuart Mill.

Yeah, I know, lame. I actually skim through my old ethics textbook every time I'm faced with any kind of moral dilemma. I do it usually so that I can plan a course of action that will make me a better person and make people stop suspecting that I am at my deepest core, evil, but doing the reading and reflecting upon whatever mess, big or small, I've managed to get myself into usually just makes me feel like a worse person. Self-confidence issues? HELLO.

I think I may be approaching some sort of a breaking point. Everyone who knows me at all knows that I'm an exciteable and unstable person, and there are so many random and serious accusations being flung at me right now that I hardly know how to deal with all of them. In fact, I just don't have the time or the sanity right now. That's right, I'll say it: If I don't start getting some slack soon, I'm going to go completely crazy. Completely. Fucking. Crazy. I don't mean angry, and I don't even mean upset -- just bonkers. The last time anyone thought I was this much of a conniving bitch was way back in high school.

Well, I suppose I can always look on the bright side. Perhaps a new and sudden wave of manic-depressive behavior will spur a weight gain in me! I am, historically, a binge-eater, after all. Seriously, though, I'm still a buck thirty-five. That's well within the range of normal weight for someone who's 5'7", right?

Addendum: Teryn thinks I'm a good person, and she knows me well. So maybe I'm a bit a liar. Tew!

Addendum 2: And I know Paige et al love me too. Maybe I'm trying to make too many people think I'm a perfect person. I'm not... I just want my friends to like me, dammit!

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