Wanted by the police, and my wife thinks you're dead.

So, I discovered/remembered this morning that I have forgotten to take my medicine for three consecutive days. Perhaps that would explain last night's little freak-out and this morning's lethargy.

Zhora came over last night, as he was bored. Teryn and I went with him to play some pool, and then we picked up Oxana and dropped her home, came back, and got some pizzas to eat from Subway. There was a ton of awkward conversation, although the night up until then had been very pleasant. It made me so uncomfortable! I've already had a conversation with Zhora about how he doesn't want to have any relationships right now, and that first conversation was unpleasant enough that I did not want to relive it in front of my best friend, but Teryn was very insistent on wheedling out of him why he thinks he's mean. He kept saying to her: "Well, let her tell you --" and pointing to me, as if I should offer evidence to his bad behavior and his potential to hurt other people. It made me feel small and stupid.

I was very upset as soon as he left, and Teryn tried very hard to make me feel better, but she ended up falling asleep and I cried for a long time. Zhora talked to Teryn and I a lot about how disappointed he is with life here in Bloomington-Normal, which I suppose isn't very surprising. He said, "Nothing interesting happened this summer!".

I hate being here. I hate this school, I hate this town, I hate that I have to be just another boring girl with no story that someone more interesting has to resort to to pass the time. Exciting people have plans, and they have big dreams -- us boring normal people just watch them pass in and out of our lives; we will remember them, but there is little chance that we will be remembered. We just take up space and offer momentary distraction to the people with the big plans; is that my only purpose?

I've never wanted to just be another Average Josephine, but I think that's what I'm turning out to be. I'm at the point in my life when all of the dreams I had as a young child, and even as a high school student, are vanishing into thin air, overshadowed by everyday drudgery and worries.

And in terms of relationships, I'm starting to think that I will always be settled for and not picked out. I have so much love to give, and nobody wants any of it, because it is a mundane, everyday love. Interesting, troubled people like Zhora would rather suffer through this period of anonymity without connections, and without memories -- without anyone to help or love them.

Rejection's such a persistent bitch for me; I always turn out to be just barely not good enough for someone -- number two or lower, in terms of romantic interest. What am I doing wrong? Should I resign myself to being a spinster for the rest of my life and try to be happy by myself? Everyone around me is so elusive.

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