I am in a terrible mood. I feel like I'm creating drama that doesn't exist just so I can have an excuse to be all moody, and unfortunately, Chrissy is paying the price and has to be my sympathy buddy this evening. We're going over to Chad's pretty soon. That will be nice; I haven't seen Chad in a little while.

I am concerned. I think perhaps that Zhora doesn't enjoy spending time with me, and thinks I'm a little stupid. This does not help my cause, as I am only a rough approximation of a handsome-looking girl, at best... and I saw so many pictures of his ex-girlfriend today. She is photogenic on top of being drop-dead gorgeous; she has perfect dark blond hair; she has plump, pink lips and beautiful huge blue eyes (she actually reminds me a lot of Kiri to look at her). He said to me at one point: "You don't really want to see these pictures, huh?"

I didn't know what to say. Was he implying that I wouldn't want to see them out of jealousy? Does he want me to be jealous? How can I, when the girl looks like a complete angel, and from the pictures, I can tell that they were completely in love? Perhaps he is still in love with her. That may be the case indeed.

Not that I mind very much. I'm so not mature enough to have a relationship with anyone right now. I barely have a handle on who I've become in the past half year since my last break-up, and now I'm sweating in my shorts over some cute Russian boy who may not even think I'm a nice person, or have any interest in me whatsoever other than as something to pass the time with when there's nothing better to do. I don't even know if he thinks I'm okay in bed. I mean, he gets off, but that means so little, you know?

Ah, maybe it's not as terrible as all that. I mean, he can be very affectionate, and very funny, and does and says some little nice things...

I'm too young for him. I've never felt that way before. I'm just too young, and I'm too stupid, and I'm not articulate enough or a good enough communicator to diminish the awkwardness that exists because of this damn language barrier. We speak completely different languages, and I don't just mean English and Russian. He interprets things and communicates things in a way that is so utterly foreign to me; I never know what he's thinking, and that bothers me. I'm a control freak when it comes to my friends and lovers: I need to know at all times where I stand with certain people, and when I get a nasty surprise, well... Well, I already know what happens when I get nasty surprises. I freak out and ruin shit to pieces. And then I just plain lose interest.

But maybe that's not so bad. I could be worse about a lot of things, and I'm not. I'm better. I'm agreeable and as laid back as I can be with him, and I try to just listen when I feel that he's telling me something important, a something that may mean that he doesn't just view me as some fluffy American bitch with no brain who couldn't possibly hope to understand any one facet of him. He is depressed, and I've been there, and I understand how self-centered that can make a person -- not necessarily in a vain or arrogant way, but the way he slips into himself all the time; man, I can't even count how many times I've asked him what he's thinking. Am I no longer an observant person? Was I just never perceptive? I guess if I was very perceptive, I wouldn't have to be paranoid about needing to know exactly what people think of me. I just wouldn't care. I need some self-confidence boosts, man!

I don't want to be in love -- I haven't been really ever, and I've realized that it's because I'm just not ready, and because I expect too much of people around me. But, hell, I don't know if I even want to be in intense like. It's so much work when I spend so much time worrying! Zhora asked me what I was thinking last night, and when I said I was thinking about him, he said: "No, don't do that. I'm not worth thinking about."

I told him that he is worth thinking about, because he's interesting. That's most of the truth, actually. I'm sure he is one of the most interesting people I've ever met, and he's lived such a varied life. His two lives, as he calls them.

Kiri once told me that I'm one of the most screwed up people she's ever met; that my entire life is a lie. Granted, she said it in a fit of anger, and probably didn't mean that at all. And if she did, it's okay, because, at the time, I believed it. I'm not sure that I do anymore. Or maybe I've just changed, because Zhora just seems so much more messed up than I've ever been in my worst nightmare. And while I don't believe his life is a lie, I think that he's burying himself under a mundane existence that doesn't suit him at all. He was famous in Latvia and had a gorgeous girl on his arm; now that he's here, he's poor and he's getting the milk for free from the very average and awkward yours truly (in my defense, I'm at least pretty reliable).

If only I could figure him out. Or vice versa. I don't think he has any idea who I really am; hell, maybe he doesn't care -- he doesn't want to know. I'm expecting too much, probably. Most of the people I've cared for the most in my life are people who are open and willing to share themselves; they're easy to understand, and therefore, they're easy to help and love and depend on.

I hate being confuckingfused.

I will leave you with a photo:


FEEL BETTER, LITTLE DUDE!

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